VOL.G. No. 10
T n s CHEMISTRY STUDENT
I793
A JANITOR'S LIFE W. W. HEINTZ,UNIVERSITY OP MARYLAND, COLLEGE PARK,MARYLAND
CHARACTERS
GRAPHITE, M.D.: (Master of Dice) ANILINE: His better half. Has two entrances, table in middle with chair near table.
Two bills or stage money; light rolling pin made of cardboard rolled over light wooden discs; medicine bottle containing colored water; teaspoon; stick of wood to look like stick of dynamite; KC103 and red phosphorus; lumps of metallic Na or K ; tongs for handling same; cake of ice with well in it; Pyrex beaker containing a little KMnOr and conc. H2S04; small bottle of CzHsOH; Hg(SCN)a in paper tube to look like candle; pint whiskey bottle containing water; black goods tacked on frame with skeleton painted on it in luminous paint. (Luminous paint made by dissolving P in CSz, mixing with olive oil and letting CS2 evaporate. The luminosity lasts for only a few minutes while P is burning. Skeleton must be painted offstage during presentation of act.) When curtain rises stage is empty. Rattling of door is*heard.
Graphite: (Offstage) "Dawggone! Ah forgot muh key. 0 , Aniline0 , Aniline." (Also offstage) "Is dat you, yo' good-fo'-nuffin hunk of anthracite?" Graphite: "Yeh, dat's me, honey lamb. Come on down an' let me in." Aniline: (Enters in loud dressing gown, carrying rolling pin): "Don' yo' honey me. Wot you mean stayin' out all hours o' de night shootin' crap?" Graphite: "Aw listen, sweetness. Yo' knows Ah was workin' tonight. Come on, open de do'." Aniline: "Yeh, iffen yo' calls rollin' de gallopin' dominoes workin'." Graphite: "Come on, sugar, open de do'; it's rainin' out heah." Aniline: "Dat's all right; yo' all wet anyhow.'' Graphite: "Come on, honey, open de do'. Ah got twenty bucks." Aniline: "Huh?-Why didn' yo say dat in de fust place?" (Opens door and lets him in.) "Now gimme dem twenty bucks." Graphite: (Reaches in pocket for money, grumbling, and hands i t over): "Mah goodness, woman, dawggone it, you always-"
Aniline:
Aniline:
"Now look heah, boy, de nex' time yo' all comes late like dis, Ah'm gonna raise such a hump on yo' baid dat when de ambulance comes t o carry yo' off, yo'll walk and dey'll ride, dey'll ride de bump." Graphite: "Wot's de mattah wif you, gal? Didn' Ah jus gih yo' twenny dollahs? Wot yo' want annyways?" Aniline: "Yeb, but twenny dollahs won' pay yo' hospital bill nex' time. Who was yo' playin' wif tonight?" Graphite: "Well, yo' see it uz dis way. Ah was ober in dat chemical 1 buildin' sweepin' out when one nem boys by de nameoh come along un' say, 'Hey, Graphite, come on ober an git in de game.' , thank yo' kindly, suh, but An Ah say, 'No suh, Mr. ah done promise muh sweet wife neher t o shoot crap no more.' But all dem boys come round' an' say dat iffen Ah don' play dey cain't hab no game. So Ah couldn' see all dem po' hoys so dissamumpointed, so finally Ah says all right. An nen- -" Aniline: "Yeh-Ah bet dey had to do a powerful lot of coaxin'." Graphite: (Ignoring interruption) "Well, lessee, deh was dat an' and dat boy by de name of . Well, hit wa'nt long an7 an' befoh muh little trained dice had 'em all broke so dey all looks roun' dat chemical buildin' for sumpin' else t o put up. Now Ah show you what else Ah won." Aniline: "Now wot yo' got, a bunch ob stuff to blow de house down lak yo' pret' near done las' time?" Graphite: "No suh, Ah got heah some*magic medicine, dat what Ah got. (Pulls out bottle of colored water.) Mr. say dat one teaspoon full of dis heah an' you wont nehber grow old." (Goes t o table, picks up teaspoon, starts to pour some out, spills some on floor and kicks pile of red phosphorus and KC103.)Z Aniline: "Yeh-Ah sees what he means now. Yo' won' hab no chanct t o grow old." Graphite: "Well, dat's all right, Ah got heah some real good ice preserver." Aniline: "Ice preserver? What yo' mean ice preserver?" Graphite: "Well, you see you puts hit on de ice and it stays friz fo' two yeahs." Aniline: "Ah don' believe dat. Heah, lessee:" (Drags out cake of ice. Graphite takes tongs from table and drops Na or K in well in ice.) "Ice preserver! Dat's de fust time Ah eber see ice burn. Go' long wiff you and yo' stuff."
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The blank spaces have been left to fill in local names. %Onemust be very careful with the red phosphorus-potassium chlorate mixture. It should be mixed in very small quantities on the spot where it is to be used. By all means never touch the mixture with the hands and never carry it around in a bottle.
VOL.6. NO. 10
THECHEMISTRY STUDENT
I795
Graphite: "Now jes' wait a minute, deah, look heah-."
(Brings out wooden stick.) Aniline: "Boy, yo' bettah git outen heah wif dat. Datlooklakdynamite to me." Graphite: (Throwing it up in the air and catching it): "Don' get scared, honey, dis ain' no dynamite, dis heah is real, harmless stuff. Dr. say dat dis is T.N.T." Aniline: "What do T.N.T. stand for?" Graphite: "Lessee, he say, try not to-try not teDawggone, Ah don' remember de las' part." (Abentmindedly tosses it through open door. There is a terrible explosion): "Ah remember now dat he say try not to drop it." Aniline: "Hit suttenly is a good thing yo didn' drop it in heah." Graphite: "Well, enny how, Ah got heah sompin what Dr. called a reducin' agent." Aniline: "Reducin' agent, huh? Dat's fine. Ah'll take it down to de -(Sorority House) an' sell it." Graphite: "Hit ain' dat kin'. Dis heah is a chemical reducin' agent. You jes pour a little out like dis an-" (pours alcohol on KMn04 H2S04). "Mah goodness, dat am hot stuff." Aniline: "Go way fum heah, boy, you ain' done nuffin but show me a bunch of foolishments." Graphite: "Now jes' hol' yo' hosses deh, honey, Ah got heah sompin what is real useful. Hits a ebber-burnin' candle. Yo' jes light it an' hit burns all de time." (Lights k g ( ~ ~ ~ Snakes ) z . come forth.) Aniline: "Laws-a-mussey, now it's snakes. How much ma' trash did yo' bring home frum dat chemical building?" Graphite: "Well-dat's all ceptin' fa' thutty dollahs." Aniline: "Thutty dollahs?? Ah thought yo' said-" Graphite: "Well-a-a yeh, Ah means-" Aniline: "Yeh, Ah sees what yo' means. Up to yo' 01' tricks again. Now jes' fork ober dem ten dollahs." (Threatens him with rolling pin. He hands over money.) "Now you git outer heah." Graphite: "But listen, sugar-" Aniliwe: "Didn' Ah tell yo' de las' time dat de nex' time yo' held out on me Ah was gonna frow you out. Now git yo'se'f hence befo' Ah cracks you wif dis synthetic sleep seducer." Graphite: "But hit's rainin' out deh-" Aniline: "Git out!" (Pushes him out, slams door, and walks offstage mumbling to herself. When she has gone Graphite pokes head in door and then sneaks back onto stage.) Graphite: "Hot Dawg! She forgot to lock de do'. Mah goodness, Ah
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ain't nebber see nuffin like de temper what dat woman got. Dawggone, she's awful. Ah ain't got no rights aronn' dis place atall." (Feels hip pocket and brightens up.) "Well, by golly, heah's some good gin what Ah won tonight an' almos' forgot Ah had." (Pulls out bottle and takes a drink. Makes face as though it is very strong.) "Boy, dat stuff am good." (Takes another pull.) "Man, dat's real airplane liquor-two drinks o' dat an' it's hello St. Peter." (Sits in chair and after third drink begins to get sleepy.) "Man, dat certainly am potent stuff dat make me awful sleepy." (Falls asleep. Lights fade out. Ghost enters. Graphite groans and stirs as though in a nightmare.) Aniline: (Offstage) "Stop all dat noise down dere and let a body sleep in peace." (Graphite continues to groan louder as ghost moves nearer.) Aniline: "Iffen yo' don' stop dat racket dis instant Ah'm comin' down deh and gib yo' sompin' to groan about." (Graphite groans. Ghost leaves stage, lights come on. Aniline bustles in and strikes him with rolling pin.) Graphite: (Letting out yell and jumping up.) "Eyow! de ghost!" Aniline: (Chasing him off with rolling pin.) "Ghost, huh!-" Mebbe you'll think dis am a ghost!"
