EXPLOSIVES; A BURLESQUE LECTURE* LOUIS C. JOnDY, DREW UNIVEnSrTY, MADISON, NEWJERSEY
Foreword: Just before the lecture is due, a heavy explosion is heard offstage. The master of ceremonies looks worried and sends some one out to investigate. The investigator returns shortly and holds a whispered conference with the M. C., who"then announces that PROF. VACUUM, who is to address the audience on "Explosives," has been detained a few minutes, but will appear soon. After a suitable pause PROF.V. enters, a bandage around his head, hair dishevelled, one side of his face blackened by powder smoke, red stains on front of dress shirt, one lens of his pincenez glasses cracked (cracks made with French chalk). He begins talking in a very agitated fashion: PROF. V.: Ladies and Gentlemen: Apparently it is my misfortune to be late whenever I have the privilege of addressing yo"; but really I feel that this time the fault was not my own. . . . . ah. . . . . You see, when the insurance company learned that I was to present a lecture here this evening on the subject of explosives, their representative came here and insisted on suspending the policy on the building for the evening; and while my assistant, HERRTONIC,and I were engaged in demonstrating to him the harmless nature of our experiments, there was. . . . . ah. . . . . a bit of an accident (gets out red-stained handkerchief and dabs a t spots on shirt-front), and I was detained until the gentleman could be removed. . . ah. . . . . to a hospital. Fortunately, he is right-handed; so the loss of the three fingers from his left hand will be fro serious. . . . . ah. . . . . may I say handicap? Naturally, the incident was a t M e disturbing, and. . . . . ah. . . . . Oh, yes! (Demonstration No. 1: Sees the pitcher of water and a dry glass in which have been placed some small pieces of metallic K. Pours himself a drink, and the potassium takes fire and explodes. He jumps, then tiptoes cautiously to end of table and pours water in a waste jar. Demonstration No. 2: The waste jar, previously thoroughly dried, contains a mixture of Na202and sawdust; when water is poured in, the mass ignites and burns explosively. PROFV. is badly rattled; sets glass down with exaggerated caution and hacks away. Forces a smile and resumes lecture) : PROF.V.: NOWI should confess a t the outset of my lecture that I can make no claim to being an authority on explosives, my own researches
* Presented before a joint meeting of Alpha Chi Sigma and Pi Delta Nu, Syracuse University, Feh. 27, 1929. Students at Syracuse have for a number of years been entertained by a series of burlesque scientific Lectures presented by that amiable but very absent-minded scholar, Prof. Phineas T. Vacuum, D.Ph. (Prof. Jordy), assisted by his irascible colleague, Herr T. U. Tonic of the University of Pinaud (Prof. G . M. Edell). Two earlier lectures havc been published in the Hezagon of Alpha Chi Sigma. Copies of "All Wet-A Scientific Treatise on Water," a companion lecturc to "llxplosives," may be obtained by addressing Prof. Jordy, Drew University, Madison, N. J . 653
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being confined, as some of you may know, to the development of muchneeded substitutes. At present I am working on a method for employing $our in place of the materials now used by bakers in the crusts of restaurant p i e s s o far, I regret to say, without success. It is my faithful colleague, HERR TONIC,who deserves to be called what you Americans so aptly term "the big noise" in the field of explosives. . . . . May I have the privilege of introducing to you my assistant, HERR TONIC,of the University of Pinaud. (Goes to door and calls HERRT., who enters very much the worse for wear-head and bands bandaged, face powder-blackened, strips of court-plaster, etc.) PRoa. V.: Ladies and Gentlemen: My colleague, HERR TONIC.(HERR T. bows, takes several sticks of "dynamite" and a coil of real fuse, with dummy fulminate caps, from his pockets and thr6ws them carelessly on table. PROF. V. recoils, then resumes): PROF. V.: Now, frankly, I feel that our demonstration this evening will not be a very finished performance. The events of the evening have made me a bit nervous, and I must ask your indulgence if I refresh my memory occasionally from my. . . ah. . . . . notes. (Feels in inner pocket without results, hastily searches all his pockets; finally appeals to HERR do you recall what I did with my notes? (HERRT. T.): HERR TONIC, impassively reaches in another pocket and brings out the "notes"-a shredded mass of papers, scorched on the edges and blackened beyond all legibility. PROF. V. thanks him and continues): Now I have brought with me some samples of nitroglycerin, guncotton, etc. . . . . (Cautiously lifts black bag from floor t o table and turns to arrange the "dynamite" thrown down by HERR T. Bag is heavily weighted a t one end, and is so placed that as soon as released it tips up and crashes heavily to floor, where the real samples have already been concealed beneath the table. As the bag drops, both men jump convulsively and register extreme fright.) P ~ o a .V.: My word! Careless of me, I'm sure. (Stoops and picks up samples, apparently from bag, placing them along front of table. Finally picks up bag, extracts specially prepared dummy stick of dynamite, and-Demonstration No. 3-throws bag onto some nitrogen iodide previously concealed under table. At the explosion PROF. V. starts, hastily consults notes, then counts the specimens): Now that is too bad. I find I overlooked one specimen of fulminate of mercury. . . . . Oh, well! . . It doesn't matter now. Now, the earliest explosive was the familiar black gunpowder, which, as every one knows, consists of. . . . . ah. . . . . ah. . . . . Excuse me! (Consults notes). . . . Oh, yes. Which consists of sulfur, charcoal, and saltpeter. (Shows actual samples of these.) It was first made by the Chinese, who, being an unprogressive people, failed to realize its splendid usefulness in killing their fellow men. I t was left to our own advanced civiliza-
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tion to develop the business to a fine art many centuries later. I have here (displaying them) several specimens of gunpowder; but I regret to state that our largest and best sample was lost just a few minutes before the start of the lecture. The insurance representative, of whom I have already spoken, in examining the canister inadvertently knocked the ash from his cigaret into it-and, do you know, more than half that powder burned up before we could put i t out! Nevertheless, as you doubtless know, gunpowder is rated as a low-powered and rather inert explosive, which does not ignite unless heated. I might demonstrate by heating a little in this test tube, which I shall first dry thoroughly. (Demonstration No. 4: Several test tubes containing explosive mixture of Hz and Oz are standing mouth downwards in a beaker containing a little water. PROF. V. picks one up and holds mouth t o Bunsen flame. At the explosion he drops tube and looks suspiciously a t HERRT., who has taken out a copy of the Police Gazette and pretends to be deeply interested in its pages.) . . . . . ah. . . . . Possibly I had better heat it on this plate. (Demonstration No. 5 : Pours out some "pyrophoric carbon" onto an asbestos plate; it ignites spontaneously.) . . . . . If you don't mind, I shall consult my notes. (Looks a t notes, then a t label on tube of pyrophoric carbon.) . . . . Well, really, I am afraid this specimen was not properly sterilized before sealing. . . . . Suppose we try another sample. (Very cautiously opens another bottle containing coarse sand coated with graphite. Nothing happens; he regains confidence). . . . . N m , if I heat a little of this in a crucible. . . . . (Demonstration No. 6: Pours bJackened sand into a cmcible containing some previously prepared and dried nitrogen iodide, which explodes viciously.) . . . ah. . . . . If you don't mind, shall we pass on to some of the really fiowerful modem explosives? Now, one of the earliest of these was nitroglycerin, made by treating ordinary glycerine with. . . . ah. . . . . (Consults notes and then appeals in a whisper to HERRT., who whispers back angrily.) . . . . ah, yes! . . . . by treating glycerine with "Dummer Esel"-whatever that may be. (Picks up Demonstration No. 7; sealed tube of thin glass containing zinc ethyl). . . .Now, glycerine itself, as you must know, is a perfectly harmless liquid, non-explosive and even nou-inflammable. . . . . (Accidentally drops zinc ethyl, which inflames spontaneously). But when glycerine is treated with. . . . . ah. . . . . with what I said a moment ago, we obtain this highly sensitive, oily, yellowish liquid called nitroglycerin. Notice the oily nature of the substance. (Picks up bottle, Demonstration No. 8, and tilts i t about while talking.) . . . . I n spite of the great danger connected with nitroglycerin. . . . . (about this time the stopper of the bottle blows out with a loud pop. PROF.V. jumps, sets bottle down very cautiously and addresses H e m T.). . . . . HERRTONIC,YOU will please remove the specimen from the room. . . . and if you drop that bottle, you need not
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come back! Now. . . . . as I was saying, in spite of the dangerous character of nitroglycerin, it is much used in mining operations. . . . . And by the way, I might say that three-fourths of the explosives made in this country are used in mining. . . . . ah. . . . . this estimate does not include the city of Chicago, of course. . . . . and I am told that the year just past was decidedly a boom year for the explosive business in Chicago. Now, for military purposes a highly sensitive liquid explosive is out of the question, and so we come to the various smokeless powders, which are made, as I understand it, by a patented process which dissolves out the smoke from ordinary gunpowder. The resulting product is compressed into grains of various sizes (displays samples, either genuine or dummies) which are perfectly safe to handle, hut which burn with extraordinary rapidity when ignited. . . . . I shall demonstrate this. . . . . (Demonstration No. 9; Lights a fake powder grain, a cylindrical rod about 1 X 2 an.,made of HgCNS and a little glucose. It burns interminably, with "serpent's egg" effect.). . . . . Dear me! I fear some important vitamin must have been left out in this case. The Great War brought about the development of what might be called the last word in military explosives-T. N. T. (Displays fake sample.) Those letters, I understand, have some connection with the formula of the substance, but. . . . . ah. . . . . a t this moment their meaning escapes me. Now, T. N. T., as you will note, looks about like corn meal, and is just as harmless under ordinary conditions. The remarkable thing about while a t the same time being it is the extraordinary power it can entirely insensitive to severe shocks. For example, I place a little of i t on this anvil, and may pound it with a hammer with perfect safety. . . . . (Demonstration No. 10: Pounds a mixture of KC1O8 and S, which explodes violently.) . . . . Well! If that is the last word in safe explosives, then so far as I am concerned, some one else is welcome to the last word. Now I thought it might interest you to see the actual preparation of a stick of dynamite for firing. . . . . (With appropriate explanation, goes through process of crimping a dummy fulminate cap on real fuse, inserting latter into specially prepared fake stick dynamite; Demonstration No. 11, and getting ready to fire.) This fuse is timed to explode in ten seconds, but naturally I have no intention whatever of lighting it. I might, though, light a small bit of the plain fuse, to show how it bums. (Hands prepared stick of "dynamite" along with piece of plain fuse to HERRT., strikes one of the wax "vesta" matches and holds it while talking. The wax match-Demonstration No. 12-should be timed to burn a t least one minute.). . . . . You know, in this connection I heard a most amusing story the other day about a workman in a stone quan'y, an Irishman whose name was Pat-or was it Mike? Let me see. . . . . (pauses). . . . . well, a t any rate, it doesn't greatly matter. This Irishman was carrying
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a large case of dynamite when unfortunately he stubbed his toe and dropped the case, with rather disastrous results. The foreman in charge heard the crash and came running up; and he asked one of the other workmen-also an Irishman-"Where's Mike?". . . . . Or was his name Pat? (Pauses.) . . . Oh, well, that's not important-The foreman asked where he was, and the workman answered: "He's gone away." The foreman said, "Gone away? Well, when will he be back?'' And the workman said: "Well, if he comes back as quickly as he went away, he will be here yesterday!" (While this monologue has been running on, HERRT. has been fidgeting about with the fuse and dynamite stick, and now, as PROF. V. holds out the still burning match, he puts the fuse of the supposedly genuine stick in the flame. It ignites, and PROF. V. suddenly realizes what has happened.) PROF. V.: Good Heavens, man. You've lighted the wrong fuse. Get that out of here. It will explode in ten seconds! (HERR T. promptly throws the stick a t PROF.V. and drops under the table. PROF.V. dances about in a panic of indecision and throws stick to a confederate in the front row of the audience. The latter a t once throws i t back, whereupon PROF. V. drops i t on the lecture table and crawls underneath. From this shelter he and HERR T. bob up alternately until 10 seconds have elapsed, when they slowly emerge together both badly scared.) PROF.V.: Ladies and gentlemen, I shall not attempt to apologize for the stupid blunder of my colleague, but will only say that I am deeply thankful that by some miracle the fuse of thscharge failed to explode. (Picks up dummy stick and notices something peculiar in its appearance). . . . . Why, what's this?. . . . (Unrolls outer covering, disclosing inner wrapper of tissue paper, which in turn reveals a large stick of striped peppermint candy. Holds up candy, looks a t HERRT., who meantime has edged toward the door, and reaches determinedly for hammer.) . . . . Ladies and gentlemen, a t the beginning of my lecture I expressed a fear that it might not be a$nished performance. . . . . I must correct that statement. . . . . Except for one minor detail (brandishing hammer and rolling up sleeve), this performance is now FINISHED! Good-night! (Dashes off-stage in pursuit of HERR T.) C-U-R-T-A-I-N Detailed Directions for Demonstrations Used in the Lecture on
