How The Chemists Got Their Scents
On the Monday morning of creation, and all the while that the Suoreme Reeent was explaining to all the classes of craftsmen of the &ld how each craft should ply its trade, the chemists were meeting separately, reporting to one another the results of their work and arguing over such important auestions as whether carbon dioxide or water was created first. fn fact, the arguments were so heated and intense that the Suoreme Repent, after unsuccessfully attempting to gain the chemists' attention on several occasions, became so immersed in his duties that the day and the instruction of craftsmen ended without the chemists receiving their directions. Of course the chemists were too busy discovering, talking and arguing to be aware of this omission, and the Supreme Regent was so imoressed by the excitement and dedication with which they went about their work that he forgot for a time that he never had talked with them. Indeed, he became so pleased with the way they helped other craftsmen improve their techniques and advance their art-builders. sculntors. . . .Dotters. metalsmiths, weavers, farmers-and so impressed with their willingness and effectiveness in attackine human oroblems of health and disease and in creating conktions fo; a better life for all that he allowed chemists more freedom and oooortunity than was granted to most other crafts. As an addareward, he endowed them with the rare gift of seeing and understanding the internal workings of the universe. The chemists had an absolutely wonderful time with all this. They examined every facet of the world's internal workings that their nrobes could reach or their minds could fathom, and they usedbhat they learned to develop all manner of helpful and fun things to ease the burden and brighten the way of people everywhere. In short, they plied their trade with great success and with almost reckless abandon. Somewhere along the way however, they became a little greedv and far too insensitive to the consequences of some of the things they were doing. One splinter group, for example, developed a way of coloring lead so i t passed for gold. The wealth this generated supported extravagant living and p w r aualitv research for nearly a century. Another group at&mpted to synthesize an elixir of eternnl ywth, hut succeeded only in developing an alcoholic-like heverage so irresistable that it dethroned kings, precipitated civil strife and opened the way m a drunk culture that nearly destwyed the emerging and civilization. Poisons. substances analoeous to eunoowder - . explosives were invented and sold to warring factions. But worse than all this was the rise of a subtle but deadlv attitude that became as much a part of chemists and chemi&y as the laboratories, experiments and explanations of phenomena they cherished so much. This was the idea that the internal workings of nature were more a toy to manipulate than a treasure to safeguard. These develooments startled and annered the Suoreme Regent. ~elievingthat the chemists ha2 disobeyed his instructions on how t o alav their role (which he had not given them, of course), and feeiing betrayed by a group to whom he had eiven not onlv unusual freedom and o~oortunity,hut the gift i f seeing a n d k n d e r ~ t a n d i nthe ~ i u t e k d workihgs of the universe, he summoned all the chemists before him. When, upon gathering on the Elysian Fields, they subdivided into six groups and began discussing chemistry, he suddenly remembered his failure to instruct them on the
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Monday of creation. Then he turned to them and said, "Your transgressions against civilization and against other humans, though mitigated somewhat by my failure to instruct you a t creation and by your obvious lack of malice, deserve eternal ounishment. Yet. because vou have done so much good and ~~-~~~ are capable of doing muchmore that is good, you may have some sav in the nature and extent of the . judgments about to . be rendered against you. "These i u d w e n t s are three in number. The first arises out of your seifiscness and greed as evidenced by your using the unique talents and freedoms I have given you to pursue personal riches and professional aggrandizement a t the expense of your friends and neighbors. The judgment is that for a p e ridd of not less than 2 6 years all chemists will he compelled to work on one or more of the following futile projects: 1)the transformation of base metals into gold; 2) the conversion of marble into a philosopher's stone; 3) the preparation of an elixir will ~ confer vouth on all who drink it. . - that ~ ~ ~eternal "The second judgment arises out of your insensitivity to the harm and nuisance to society your activities and creations can cause, as evidenced by your willful distribution throughout societv of intoxicants. other noisons. eunnowder and exdosives. h e judgment isthat ailong as cl;emists ply their tride, their comforts will he disturbed and their lives will he diminished by the very chemicals with which they work. "The third judgment arises out of your betraying the trust I placed in you when I endowed you with the gift of seeing and understanding the internal workings of the universe, as evidenced by your treating these internal workings as a toy to maniodate rather than as a treasure to safeguard. The iudpmendis that all chemists and their workpl&es will forevnr emanate foul and unoleasant odors." lJpon hearing these sentences and r~callingthat the Suweme Repent had offered them some say in the nature and kxtent of the judgments imposed upon them, the chemists responded "We acknowledge with contrition our many sins against humans and humanity, and we are deeply pained by our failure to use with wisdom and conscience our gift of seeing and understanding the internal workings of the universe. We hope, however, that our record of good works entitles us to request some lessening of the severity of the sentences imposed. "Toward this end. we ask first that durine the 200 vears of futile research, chekists will be permitted g s o advance their knowledge and understanding that a t the conclusion of this period chemistry and chemists can emerge as a pervasive and effective force for the betterment of humans and society. We ask second for the skill and comprehension that will enable us to palliate to some extent the comfort-disturbing and the life-diminishing qualities of chemicals, not only for ourselves, but for all others. Finallv. we ask that the odors associated with each of us and our workplaces be not always foul, but sometimes pleasant so that our own spirits might on occasion be lifted and our friends and neighbors will he not always offended." "The first two requests are granted without qualifiration," reolied the Suoreme Reeent. "but the third is granted onlv o n the condition that the odor associated with chemists and their workolaces bean eternal reminder of mv wish and vour promise that chemists will always place humans and civilization ahead of all other considerations." WTL ~~~~~~
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Volume 55, Number 8, August 1978 1 477
