HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED! A PLAYLET IN ... - ACS Publications

HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED! A PLAYLET IN TWO ACTS* DREWUNIVERSITY,MADISON, NEW JERSEY Lours C. JORDY,**

The aim of the playlet i s to contrast the attitude of the general public toward the scientist today, as compared with three centuries ago. Act I, synthesized from parts of Ben Jonson's longer play, "The Alchemist" (1610),shows how the follower of the Black Art was able, through a glib display of highsounding and mystic language, to command respect, enen reverence, for himself and his profession, though engaging in shameless trickery for his own personal benefit. Act II portrays the modern chemist, carrying out laborious researches i n pure science without thought of personal gain, but looked upon as a sort of crackdrained uisionary, who might better be employed i n something really useful-using that term as defined by a self-made millionaire juggler of finances.

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Dramatis Personae SIR EPICUREMAMMON, a Knight, client of SUBTLE. PERTINAXSURLY,a sceptical friend of MAMMON. SUBTLE,the Alchemist. FACE,his laboratory assistant. ANANIAS,another of SUBTLE'Sdupes. Act 11: BEN 2. DEAN,a modem research chemist. RAYD. YUMM,his laboratory assistant. FEWES L. OYLE,a rnillionnaire client of DEAN. ETHELMUSTARD O ~ Ehis , wife. Act I:

Argument (After the manner of the ancients) H erein is set forth, in acrostic style, O ur aim, a pleasant hour to beguile: W itb contrast of the old time and the new T I M E S

he status of our Science to review. n rare Ben Jonson's time may'st see our Art isused by many an ignorant upstart, mploying grandiose speech and mummeries catter-brained dupes and credulous fools to fleece;

* Presented by Alpha Chi Sigma and Pi Delta Nu a t a joint public meeting, Syracuse University. Feb. 27, 1929. ** The author can claim originality only for the "Argument" and for Act I1 of this play. Act I is pieced together from portions of Scene I, Act I1 of Ben Jonson's famous play, "The Alchemist," first produced in 1610. To this the interested reader is refvrrrd for a drtailcd picture of sume of the prnctices indulged in at that time in the name of chemistry. I t will he ohwrved that it is pussiblc to reduce the numlrr of characters required for Act I , as well as the length of the performance, by leaving out Mammon and Surly altogether and by starting the action with the approach of Ananias to the laboratory. 256

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owheit, spite of quackery and deceit, we, faith, respect for Alchemy we meet. ast is the difference we see today: ach. trace of trickery hath been purged away;

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hemists, disdaining riches or applause, ope only to learn more of Nature's laws. nd how is altruism like this repaid?ay, gentles, wait until our play is played. inneth Act I three centuries agone; E ndeth the second now, in the fourth's dawn: D raw now the curtain; let the play go on !

Act I TIME: A. D. 1610. Interior of SUBTLE'Slaboratory, equipped with all sorts of fantastic apNratus, cryptic charts, stuff& animals, and other weird and properties of the Alchemist of the day. A s the curtain rises, MAMMON SURLYenter from one side. MAMMON: Come on, sir. Now you set your foot on shore In Nmo Orbe; here's the rich Peru: And there within, sir, are the golden mines, Great Solomon's Ophii! He was sailing to't Three years, but we have reached it in ten months. This is the day wherein, to all my friends, I will pronounce the happy word. be rich; This day you shall be spectatissimi. And unto thee I speak it iirst, be rich. Where is my Subtle. there? Within, ho ! FACE: (within) Sir, he'll come to you by and by. (Enter SUBTLE) MAMMON: Good morrow, father. Gentle son, good morrow, SUBTLE : And to your friend there. What is he, is with you? MAMMON: An heretic, that I did bring along In hope, sir, to convert him. SUBTLE: Son, I doubt That you are covetous, that thus you meet your time In the just point; prevent your day a t morning. This argues something worthy of a fear Of importune and carnal appetite. Take heed you do not cause the blessing leave you, With your ungoverned haste. I should he sorry To see my labors, now even at perfection,

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Got by long watching and large patience, Not prosper where my love and zeal hath placed them. If you, my son, should now prevaricate, And to your own particular lusts employ So great and catholic a bliss, be sure A curse will follow, yea, and overtake Your subtle and most secret ways. I know, sir; You shall not need to fear me; I but come To have you confute this gentleman Who is, Indeed, sir, somewhat costive of belief Toward your Stone; would not be gulled. Well, son, All that I can convince him in, is this, The work is done, bright Sol is in his robe. We have a medicine of the triple soul, The glorified spirit. Thanks be to heaven, And make us worthy of it ! Ulen Spiegel ! (within) Anon, sir. Look well to the register. And let your heat still lessen by degrees, To the aludels. (within) Yes, sir. Did you look 0' the bolt's head yet? (within) Which? on D, sir? AY; What's the complexion? (within) Whitish. Infuse vinegar, To draw his volatile substance and his tincture: And let the water in glass E be filtered, And put into the gripe's egg. Lute him well; And leave him closed in balneo. (within) I will,sir. What a brave language here is! Next to canting. (Enter FACE.) How now ! Sir, please you, ShaU I not change the a t e r ? M a w , yes; And bring me the complexion of glass B. ( E . d FACE.)

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I mean t o tinct C in sand-heat tomorrow, And give him imbibition. Of white oil? No, sir, of red. F is come over the helm too, I thank my maker, in St. Mary's bath, And shows lac virginis. Blessed be heaven! I sent you of his faeces there calcined; Out of that calx, I have won the salt of mercury By pouring on your rectified water? Yes, and reverberating in Athanor. (Re-enter FACE.) How now! What colour says it? The ground black, sir. That's your crow's head. Your cock's-comb's, is it not? No, 'tis not perfect. Would it were the crow! That work w n t s something. 0 , I looked for this, The hay's a-pitching. Are you sure you loosed them I n their own menstme? Yes, sir, and then married them. And put them in a bolt's-head nipped to digestion, According as you bade me, when I set The liquor of Mars to circulation In the same heat. The process then was right. Yes, by the token, sir, the retort brake, And what was saved was put into the pellican, And signed with Hennes' seal. I think 'twas so. We should have a new amalgama. (Aside) 0,this ferret Is rank as any polecat. But I care not; Let him e'en die; we have enough beside, In embrion. H has his white shirt on? Yes sir. He's ripe for inceration, he stands warm, In his ash-fire. I would not you should let Any die now, if I might counsel, sir, For luck's sake to the rest: i t is not good. He says right.


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(Aside) Ah, are you bolted? Nay, I know't, sir, I have seen the ill fortune. What is some three ounces Of fresh materials? Is't no more? No more, sir, Of gold, t'amalgame with some six of mercury. Away, here's money. What will serve? Ask him, sir. How much? Give him nine pound; you may give him ten. Yes, twenty, and be cozened, do! There 'tis. (Gieres FACEthe money. Exit FACE.) When do you make projection? Son, be not hasty, I exalt our med'cine By hanging him in balneo vaporoso. And giving him solution; then congeal him; And then dissolve him; then again congeal him; For look, how oft I iterate the work, So many times I add unto his virtue. As if at first one ounce convert a hundred, After his second loose, he'll turn a thousand; His third solution, ten; his fourth, a hundred; After his fifth, a thousand thousand ounces Of any imperfect metal, into pure Silver or gold, in all examinations, As good as any of the natural mine. Get you your stuff here against afternoon, Your brass, your pewter, and your andirons. Not those of iron? Yes, you may bring them, too; We'll change all metals. I believe you in that. Then may I send my spits? Yes, and your racks. And dripping-pans, and pot-hangers, and hooks? Shall he not? If he please. -To be an ass ! How, sir ! This gentleman you must bear withal: I told you he had no faith. And little hope, sir;

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But much less charity, should I gull myself. Why, what have you observed, sir, in our art, Seems so impossible? But your whole work, no more. That you should batch gold in a furnace, sir, As they do eggs in Egypt! Sir, do you believe That eggs are hatched so? If I should? Why, I think that the greater miracle. No egg but differs from a chicken more Than metals in themselves. That cannot be. The egg's ordained by nature to that end, And is a chicken in potentia. The same we say of lead and other metals, Which would be gold if they had time. And that Our art doth further. Ay, for 'twere absurd To think that nature in the earth bred gold Perfect in the instant: something went before There must be remote matter. Ay, what is that? Marry, we sayAy, now it heats: stand, father, Pound him t o dust. It is, of the one part, A humid exhalation, which we call Materia liquids, or the unctuous water; On the one part, a certain crass and viscous Portion of earth; both which, concorporate, Do make the elementary matter of gold; Which is not yet propria materia, But common to all metals and all stones; For, where it is forsaken of that moisture, And hath more dryness, it becomes a stone: Where it retains more of the humid fatness, It turns to sulfur, or to quicksilver, Who are the parents of all other metals. Nor can this remote matter suddenly Progress so from extreme unto extreme, As to grow gold, and leap o'er all the means.


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Nature doth first beget the imperfect, then Proceeds she to the perfect. Of that airy And oily water, mercury is engendered; Sulfur of the fat and earthy part. These two Make the rest ductile, malleable, extensive. And even in gold they are; for we do find Seeds of them by our fire, and gold in them And can produce the species of each metal More perfect thence, than nature doth in earth. MAMMON: Well said, father! Nay, if he take you in hand, sir, with an argument, He'll bray you in a mortar. SURLY: Pray you, sir, stay. Rather than I'll be brayed, sir, I'll believe That Alchemy is a pretty kind of game, Somewhat like tricks o' the cards, to cheat a man With charming. SUBTLE: Sir? What else are all your terms, SURLY: Whereon no one of your writers 'grees with other? Of your elixir, your lec virginis, Your stone, your med'cine, and your chrysosperme, Your sal, your sulfur, and your mercury, Your oil of height, your tree of life, your blood, Your marchesite, your tutie, your magnesia, Your toad, your crow, your dragon, and your panther; Your sun, your moon, your firmament, your adrop, Your lato, azoch, zernich, chibrit, heautarit, Hair o' the head, burnt clouts, chalk, merds, and clay, Powder of bones, scalings of iron, glass, And worlds of other strange ingredients, Would burst a man to name? SUBTLE: And all these named, Intending but one thing; which art our writers Used to obscure their art. MAMMON: Sir, SO I told himBecause the simple idiot should not learn it, And make it vulgar. (Re-ater FACE.) FACE : Here's one from Captain Face, sir, (to SURLY) Desires yon meet him in the Temple-church Some half-hour hence, and upon earnest business. You'll meet the captain's worship?


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Sir I 1 (Exeunt MAMMON and SURLY. AS soon as they have disappeared, a knock is heard outside.) What, more gudgeons ! Face, you must go to the door. Pray God it be my anabaptist; he's to send A sanctified elder, that shall deal For Mammon's jack and andirons. Let him in. ( E d FACE.) Now, In a new tune, new gesture, but old language.This feuow is sent from one negotiates with me About the stone too; for the holy brethren Of Amsterdam, the exiled saints; that hope To raise their discipline by it. I must use him In some strange fashion now, to make him admire me. (Enter ANANIAS.) Where is my drudge? (Aloud) (Re-enter FACE.) Sir ! Take away the recipient, And rectify your menstrue from the phlegma. Then pour it on the Sol, in the cucurbite, And let them macerate together. Yes, sir. And save the ground? No: terra damnatu Must not have entrance in the work.-Who are you? A faithful brother, if it please you. What's that? A Lullianist? A Ripley? Filius artis? Can you sublime and dulcify? Calcine? Know you the +par pontic? Sapor styptic? And what is homogene, or heterogene? I understand no heathen language, truly. Heathen ! You Knipper-doling ! Is Ars sacra, Or chrysopceia, or spagyrica, Or the pamphysic, or panarchic knowledge, A heathen language? Heathen Greek, I take it. How ! Heathen Greek? All's heathen but the Hebrew. S i a h my varlet, stand you forth and speak to him, Like a philosopher: answer, in the language. Name the vexations, and the martyrizations Of metals in the work.


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Sir, putrefaction, Solution, ablution, sublimation, Cohobation, calcination, ceration, and Fixation. This is heathen Greek to you, now !And when comes vivification? After mortification. What's cohobation? 'Tis the pouring on Your aqua regis, and then drawing him off, To the trine circle of the seven spheres. What's the proper passion of metals? Malleation. What's your ultimum supplicium auri? Antimonium. This is heathen Greek t o you !-And what's your mercury? A very fugitive, he will be gone, sir. How know you him? By his viscosity, His oleosity, and his suscitability. How do you sublime him? With the cake of egg-shells, White marble, talc. Your magisterium now, What's that? Shifting, sir, your elements, Dry into cold, cold into moist, moist into hot, Hot into dry. This is heathen Greek to you still! Your lapis philosophicus? 'Tis a stone, And not a stone; a spirit, a soul, and a body: Which if you do dissolve, it is dissolved. If you coagulate, it is coagulated; If you make it t o fly, it flieth. Enough. (Exit FACE.) This is heathen Greek to you ! What are you, sir? Please you, a servant of the exiled brethren, That deal with widows' and with orphans' goods, And make a just account unto the saints: A deacon. 0, yon are sent from Master Wholsome, Your teacher?

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From Tribulation Wholsome, Our very zealous pastor. Good! Have you brought money To buy more coals? No, surely. No ! How so? The brethren bid me say unto you, sir, Surely they will not venture any more Till they may see projection. How ! Yon have had, For the instruments, as bricks, and lome, and glasses, Already thirty pound; and for materials, They say, some ninety more: and they have heard since, That one, at Heidelberg, made it of an egg, And a small paper of pin-dust. What's your name? My name is Ananias. Out, the varlet That cozened the apostles ! Hence, away ! Flee, mischief! Had your holy consistory No name to send me of another sound, Than wicked Ananias? Send your elders Hither, to make atonement for you, quickly, And give me satisfaction; or out goes The fire; and down the alembecs, and the furnace, Piger Henricus, or what not. Thou wretch! Both sericon and bufo shall be lost, Tell them. All hope of rooting out the bishops, Or the anti-Christian hierarchy shall perish, If they stay threescore minutes: the aqueity, Terreity, and sulfureity Shall run together again and all be annulled, in a panic of fear.) Thou wicked Ananias ! (&it ANANIAS This will fetch 'em, And make them haste toward their gulling more. A man must deal like a rough nurse, and fright Those that are forward, to an appetite.

(C-U-R-T-A-I-N) Act II TIME: The present. A modern laboratory: as the curlain rises DEAN and YUMM are busy making adjustments on a very comp&licated afi@ratus

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synthesized f r m radio tubes, Geissler bulbs, or any other available equipment which looks suficiently impressive. Several noise-making devices should be inclded.) DEAN: A tritle less resistance in that field coil; Now raise your voltage--Steady ! There ! 'Tis finished: My dream of nine long years is realized; You see before you, boy, a working model Of my improved Magnetic Atom-crusher. (Gloats over apparatus, rubbing his hands; continues to make small adjustments as he talks) : Now dawns a brand-new era in our Science. How many centuries have patient chemists, Seeking the Stone of the Philosophers, The Elixir of ancient alchemists, Worked down from aggregate to particle, From compound down to simple element, From molecule to atom-there to stick! The wealth of energy within the atom Lay tightly locked: no man could find the key. But now, thanks to the radio's advances, We force our way into the nuclei, And shovel out the quanta like so much sawdust. What is that phrase one hears so often nowadays? Ah, yes ! I have it ! "Calorific Canine !" YUMM: I think you must mean "Hot dog !" Don't you, Doctor? (DEANhas picked up a letter from the table and is reading it. He answers absently) : DEAN: Eh? Oh, by all means ! (Reads) "Therefore, if convenient, Will call upon you Friday. . . . .Yours, F. Oyle." YUMM: The millionaire promoter, Fewes L. Oyle ! He must have heard some rumors of your work, And comes to ask you for a demonstration. What was it you said? "Incandescent Airedale !" DEAN: (With growing excitement, making small adjustments to machine) A demonstration? He shall have it, boy 1 A demonstration such as Dr. Langrnuir* Nor any of his gifted fellow-workers Has ever dreamed of! (Aside) Well, I should hope not, YUMM: Unless he had a nightmare! DEAN: Mind yon, Yumm, 'Insert name of local celebrity if desired.

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This Oyle is but a layman; we must make Our demonstration and our explanations So elementary, so absurdly simple, That ev'n his untrained mind can grasp the process. And realize its vast potentialities. This Oyle, I take it, then, is rather crude? Crude, possibly, but smoothAnd not too thick, eh? (Knock is heard) This must be h e g o , Yumrn, and show him in ! Oh, if my efforts only could persuade him To lend financial aid to my research, In ten more years I could rewrite our Science ! (Enter O ~ and E MRS. OYLE,in very impressive style) W well ! So this is where you hang out, eh, Perfessu? OYLE : My name is Oyle. I guess you've heard of me. (Indicates MRS. O ~ E )Like you t' meet my wife. Charmed, I am sure. ( B m s deeply) And this is my assistant, Mr. Yumm. (OYLEspies apparatus and approaches i t with interest) OYLE : Say, that's a pretty =tzy radio outiit! I've got a twelve-tube set myself-cost plenty, But brings 'em all in, clear to Honolulu. What about static? Do you get that often? YUMM : OYLE : No, never! (Emphatically) MRS.01 ZE : But he could, though, if he tried ! DEAN: Perhaps your error is a natural one, Sir: This apparatus that you see before you Will open up undreamed-of fields of power, And make us masters of the universe ! It taps the sub-atomic energy, As I shall demonstratebut first, a word Of explanation: ( S l m l y and impressively) What we call the laws Of force are not mechanic-arithmetical, But logarithmic-geometrical. I aim To postulate the relative categories Of small and largeSay ! Just a minute ! Son (to YUMM), Would you mind telling what that means in English? Why, he's explaining how this device functions. You see (explaining appuratus), this temperatometer extends From half the height of nothing down to zero,

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And where the contravaxant meets the spantomProfessor! What's the name of that thing there? Wouldn't i t make a darling ash-receiver? I fear we waste time. Come, the demonstration! This core of magnet-iron is rich in carbon; When I reverse the current through my field coil, The atoms of the iron are thrown first one way And then the other. Hear them shifting over! (Manipdates keys: succession of crashes, etc.) If I reverse the current very swiftly The atoms of iron are tossed in wild confusion. (Manipulates keys--automobile Klaxon blares; OYLE and MRS. OYLEjump and get behind their chairs) The atoms of carbon, caught in this mad vortex, Are crushed into their separate electrons, Giving out vast quantities of energy. (Manipulates keys-Geissler bulb phenomena and succession of explosions) That sounded like Chicago coming in ! How interesting, Professor ! (Resents himself) But what's it good for? I've just been trying to explain, Sir, In this device I have a source of power So vast, so readily available, 'Twill revolutionize our industries, Abolish war, and change all civilization. (Ilesilates) All that we need iser-financial aid To subsidize our research. Half the cost Of your imported car would guarantee The expenses of this whole investigation. (IIesitates) You follow me, I trust? (Grunts) Humph! Follow you? I'm seven blocks ahead of you, Perfesser ! You want me to put up the cash for this. (Takes out cigar, bites off end, and fumbles for lighter) Suppose I did-what is there in it for me? You aim to make big money with your process? Why, no ! My pay will be the satisfaction Of having made a lasting contribution To knowledge, and the progress of the race. That don't buy any Rolls-Royce limousines ! (Lighting cigar and replacing lighter i n pocket) li that's all you can offer for the money,

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Why, count me out, Perfesser! I'm not interested. Not interested? Then why visit me a t all' Oh, yes! Why, here's the way it is, Perfesser: (Leans forward, lowering voice to con3dentinl tone) I've got a chance to get a barrel of "hootch;" The fellow says it's real old pre-war stuffMRS. OYLE: He means each drink is followed by a fight ! OYLE: I'd like to have you analyze this stuff (Pulls out flask) And see how i t tests u p . . . . .That's what I came for. DEAN: Is that all? (Sinks back against table dejectedly) MRS. OYLE: (Brightly) No; I have a problem too: I'd like to ask, Professor, if you know Of any chemical that I could use To take off cigarette stains from the fingers? (DEANrolls u p his eyes i n despair) YUMM: (S&tefully) Try concentrated HISOa! MRS. OYLE: Oh, will that do it? Thank you very much ! (Makes note) OYLE: (Rising) Well, how about it? Want the job, Perfesser? (DEAN,head bowed on his hand, shakes head and waves him away) No? Well, I'm sorry to have troubled you. (Replaces flask and crosses stage; turns at door) It's funny how you chemists waste your time On truck like that (fmints) when you might make good money By tackling something useful. Well, Good-night ! (Exeunt MR. and MRS. OYLE) DEAN AND YUMM: (in unison) GOOD-NIGHT ! (DEANsinks into chair and buries face in hands, while YUMM looks toward exit with fists clenched as CURTAIN falls.)

DEAN: OYLE:

HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED! A PLAYLET IN ... - ACS Publications

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