2254
JOURNAL OF CHEMICAL EDUCATION
THE FRATERNITY INITIATION-A
D E C E ~ E 1929 R,
ONE-ACT BURLESQUE*
WILLIAM L. LAMAR,' UNIVERSITYOP MARYLAND, COLLEGE PARK
CHARACTERS
Grand Master of Ceremonies Thor, first altotus Phlogistine, second altotus Hippolylus, third altotus Boreas, fourth altotus Tetra ethyl para diphenyl methane, first neophyte Isopropyl methyl ethyl c a r b i d , second neophyte 3 methyl 5 ethyl 6 methyl hegtanol 2, thirdaeophyte SCENE: Initiation room of the Eta Omicron Eta Fraternity. Stage set with all necessary equipment. Large table for the Grand Master of Ceremonies. This table should be equipped to give an impressive appearance. Four chairs backstage for altotuses. Stage is lighted by mercury vapor lamps or other weird lighting effects. Neophytes are dressed in cheap robes; altotuses are dressed in black robes which completely cover their heads; opening in front of hood for eyes, nose, and mouth. G. M. C. in rich robe trimmed with gold. DISCOVERED:G. M. C. a t table. 3rd and 4th altotuses upstage, one on each side of G. M. C. with theirarms folded. c (1,oud knocking a t door.) G. M. C.: "Who knocks?" Thor: (Offstage.) "Thor, God of Thunder, awaits with some lowly, bashful, sensitive, timid, insignificant, inferior neophytes who beg for admittance." G. M. C.: "Let them be admitted." (Thor and Phlogistine enter, leading candidates. Candidates are aligned before G. M. C . ) "Phlogistine, where did you get this lowly crew?" Phlogistine: "In the Chemistry Building." G. M. C.: (Raps on table.) "Then drown them at once. Wait! I will give them one chance. Neophytes, who are you?" 1st Neophyte: "Tetra ethyl para diphenyl methane." (Spoken 2nd Neophyte: "Isopropyl methyl ethyl carbinol." together.) 3rd Neophyte: "3 methyl 5 ethyl 6 methyl heptanol2."
* The material used in this play is not represented as original. It has been taken from various sources. Definitions used in the latter part appeared in the JOUKNAL OP CHEMICAL EDUCATION. The "Chemistry of a Kiss" and "The Chemistry of Woman" have been used for a long time and there is some doubt as to the sources from which they originally came. Winner of ten-dollar award in contest dosing October 15th.
G. M . C.: "So indeed. Neophytes, you are approaching a critical point in the histories of your lives. Tonight you are in our hands. This may be your last night. Are there any last words which you would like to say or any remembrances which you would like to leave in case (Several misfortune overtakes you on your journey? If not-" charges of flash powder are set off. 2nd and 3rd neophytes are removed during this disturbance. Exit Hippolylus. Boreas goes over and stirs pot of mercury.) G. M . C.: "Neophyte, to he a member of Eta Omicron Eta, HOH, you must he courageous. Thus, as the Indians tested their courage by holding coals under their arms, so will we test your courage by pouring molten lead into your hand." (Pot of Hg is suspended over flame but is protected from heat by a thick sheet of asbestos.) "Candidate, protect thine eyes." (Blindfold is applied.) "Hold forth thy hand." (Candidate does so; cold Hg is poured into his hand. Exit left immediately, Thor and Boreas dragging him off stage. Thor returns. Hippolylus, 3rd altotus, enters right immediately with 2nd neophyte.) G. M . C.: "And, Neophyte, what is your name?" 2nd Neo9hyte: "Isopropyl methyl ethyl carbinol." G. M. C.: " 'Tis well. To he a member of this fraternity, lowly Neophyte, you must have iaith in every member. In your wrist there is an artery. This will be severed and you must trust that a member of HOH will stop the flow of blood before i t is too late." (There is an array of knivcs on tablc. Phlogistivc sharpcps largc knifc. Hippolylus blindfolds the candidate. Phlogistine pretends to cut the Neophyte and a bulb of a dilute solution of ferric sulfocyanide concealed in the candidate's sleeve squirts the red liquid on the floor. Exit left immediately, Hippolylus and Thor dragging him off. Hippolylus returns. Boreas, 4th altotus, enters R. with third neophyte.) G. M. C.: "And, Neophyte, what is your name?" 3rd Neophyte: "3 methyl 5 ethyl 6 methyl heptanol 2." G. M . C.: " 'Tis well. To be a member of HOH you must have endurance. Here is an apparatus (displays complicated-appearing apparatus) which will generate enough electricity to make a spark jump one foot. Under specified conditions i t requires 46,000 volts to make an electrical spark jump one inch. Therefore, an electrical spark one foot in length would require 552,000 volts. This current will be sent through your body and if your endurance is strong enough to withstand the strain you may become a member of this fraternity; otherwise you will become extinct." (Lights are low, Geissler tube is operated and gives the appearance of an electrical discharge leaping from the apparatus to the Neophyte. Spark coil furnishes noise accompaniment. When the current is turned on
there is a flash of electricity and several explosions. Hippolylus operates the apparatus. Neophyte takes hold of the electrodes; Boreas blindfolds the candidate. Turns on current. Candidate shrieks. Exit left immediately with Phlogistine and Hippolylus. Hippolylus returns. More lights are turned on. Thor brings in Neophyte from R.) G. M . C.: "Ah, look whom we have here, our friend Tetra ethyl para diphenyl methane. Yon seem to be still alive. Have you been enjoying yourself?" Thor: "Answer quickly." 1st Neophyte: "No." Thor: "Answer again." 1st Neophyte: "Yes." G. M . C.: "Ah! That is good. Perhaps, Neophyte, in your wanderings you have acquired some knowledge. In order to be a member of HOH you must speak fluently. Give us a speech." (Neophyte takes place downstage L., partially facing audience and partially facing G. M. C.) Neophyte: "Kisses-" Thor: (In a deep voice) "Is that how you begin a speech?" 1st Neophyte: "Great Exalted Grand Master of Eta Omicron Eta; Ladies and Gentlemen. My speech this evening will be 'The Chemistry of a Kiss.' Occurrence: Kisses were discovered by an old alchemist named Adam during his research on epples. He was ably assisted in this important work by Eve, to whom much of the credit of the discovery is due. Kisses have long been known to the chemist as potassium thio iodide, having the formula KiSz. The kiss may be produced synthetically, but the natural is more widely used. It may be found in the free state in parks, automobiles, parlors, porches, and similar places. Its occurrence in the combined state is rare, except in certain localities where i t is found in combination with divorce proceedings and the like. Chemical Properties: KiSz is very slightly reactive to metals in the iron group, but has a very strong affinity for the so-called noble metals, particularly gold and platinum, with which i t reacts to form an insoluble complex with the liberation of a great deal of hot air. For example, if one part by weight of KiSz is added to one part by weight of gold or platinum in the form of a ring to which I/, carat of a diamond has previously been attached, a violent reaction takes place, which may result in breach of promise after the reaction has subsided if cooled too rapidly. Physical Properties: It is insoluble in water, but readily soluble in alcohol, cosmetics, and other organic solvents. If it is dissolved in a cosmetic solution, and then evaporated to dryness, an amorphous residue is left which, when
VOL 6, No. 12
TEBCKBM~STRY STUDENT
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examined under the microscope, appears in the form of eliptical parmoonlight. ticles. It is exceedingly sensitive to light-p&ticularly Uses: KiSz, because of its peculiar chemical, as well as physical, properties, finds varied uses in the arts--especially in the art of lovemaking. Little is known about the properties of this substance, but many heads are now a t work on the problem." Hippolylus: "Temble! Awful!" G. M. C.: (Raps on table) "Off with his head." (Exit left immediately with Hippolylus and Thor. Thor returns. Phlogistine enters R. with 2nd Neophyte.) G. M . C.: "Ah1 Look whom we have here again, our old friend Isopropyl methyl ethyl carbinol. What. have you been doing with yourself?" Phlogistine: "Answer quickly." 2nd Neophyte: "Studying chemistry." Phlogistine: "Answer correctly." 2nd Neophyte: "Thinking about last night." G. M . C.: "Neophyte, we are glad you can think. To be a member of this fraternity you must be well educated. You must be a learned man-a man of letters. Take the stand and answer quickly and correctly the following questions." (Phlogistine takes Neophyte down stage, left.) "What is an element?" 2nd Neophyte: "An element is anything that occupies space." G . M . C.: "What is denatured alcohol?" 2nd Neophyk: "Dcnatured alcohol is alcohol ~ i t ah bad nature." G. M . C.: "What is hard water?" 2nd Neophyte: "Ice." G. M . C.: "What is a suspension?" 2nd Neophyte: "A suspension is a temporary delay." G. M . C.: "Where does iron occur?" 2nd Neophyte: "It occurs chiefly in iron pipes and in the blood." .. G. M. C.r "What is reduction?" 2nd Neophyte: "Reduction is the process of growing thinner.'' G. M . C.: "What is transmutation?" 2nd Neophyte: "Transmutation is the carrying of a substance from one place to another.'' G. M . C.: "what is a gas?" 2nd Neophyte: "A gas is a dry liquid." G. M . C.: "What is an atom?" 2nd Neophyte: "An atom is a man. He was also the first man." G. M . C.: "To what class of things does carbon belong?" 2nd Neophyte: "It belongs to the black race." G. M . C.: "What is valence?"
.
2258
JOURNAL OB CEEMICALEDUCATION
D E ~ M B E 1929 R,
2nd Neophyte: "Valence is the number of hydrogen molecules a substance can hold-it is the appetite of an element." G. M . C.: "What is aqueous tension?" 2nd Neophyte: "Aqueous tension is that law which allows flies to walk on water." Phlogistine, Thor, Boreas: "Terrible!" G. M . C.: (Raps on table.) "Off with his head." (Phlogistine, Thor drag Neophyte off L. All altotuses return quietly to the stage.) "So far the Neophytes have failed in every test which we have set before them. We must take these men into our brotherhood to keep the other fraternities from getting them. What shall we do?" Boreas: "Give them one last chance. See if they know anything about women, for if they know something about sucha complex and changeable thing we can truly accept them as brothers." G. M . C.: "Your suggestion is terrible, but we shall try it. Altotuses, bring the Neophytes before me." (Neophytes are lined up in front of the G. M. C. All of the altotuses should be on the stage. G. M. C. raps on table.) "Neophytes, you have so far failed miserably in every requirement and now you come to the greatest test of all. If you now can show ability and pass this one test we may overlook yourother faults. This test deals with a subject which has never been mastered. Think well, then, Neophytes, and pick out one of your number whom you think will be best fitted to give us a talk on the Chemi? cal Nature of Woman." 1st Neophyte: "I don't know anything about them." 3rd Neo9hyte: "Neither do I." 2nd Neophyte: "We elect 3 methyl 5 ethyl 6 methyl heptanol 2." (1st and 2nd neophytes drag 3rd neophyte down stage.) 3rd Neophyte: "Exalted Great Grand Master of HOH." Boreas: (Sternly) "Great Exalted Grand Master of HOH." 3rd Neophyte: "Beg pardon. Great Exalted Grand Master of HOH. Gentlemen. My talk will be on 'The Chemical Nature of Woman.' This element called woman is a member of the human family and it has been assigned the chemical symbol Wo. The accepted atomic weight is 120, although a number of isotopes have been identified having weights ranging from 95 t o 400. Occurrence: It is abundant in nature; found both free and combined, usually associated with man. That found in the U. S. is preferred. Physical Properties: A number of allotropic forms have been observed. Their density, transparency, hardness, color, boiling, and melting points vary within wide limits. T h e color exhibited by many specimens is a surface phenomenon and is usually due to a more or less closely-adhering powder. It has been found that an unpolished specimen tends to
VOL.6, No. 12
THECHEMISTRY STUDENT
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turn green in the presence of a highly polished one. The boiling point for some varieties is quite low, while others are likely to freeze a t any moment. All varieties melt under proper treatment. The taste varies from sweet to very bitter depending upon environment and treatment. Chemical Properties: Absorbs, without dissolving in, a number of liquids, the activity being greatly increased by alcohol. Absorbs seemingly unlimited quantities of expensive foods. Some varieties catalyze this food into fat in accordance with the formula: PV = RT. Many naturally occurring varieties of Wo are highly magnetic; in general the magnetism varies inversely with the density and size, directly with the square of the valence, and inversely with the cube of the age. Some varieties tend to form Anne-ions; others cat-ions. Their ionic migrations vary widely.. All varieties exhibit great affinity for Ag, Au, and P t and for precious stones in both chain and ring structures. The valence toward these substances is high and its study is complicated by the fact that the residual valence is never satisfied. Many stable and unstable unions have been described-the latter in the daily press. Some varieties, being highly explosive, are exceedingly dangerous in inexperienced hands. In general, they tend to explode spontaneously when left alone temporarily by man. The application of pressure to different specimens of Wo produces such a variety of results as to defy the Principle of LeChatelier. Uses: Highly ornarnenfal. Wide application in the arts and domestic sciences. Acts as a positive or negative catalyst in 'e. Useful as a tonic in the the production of fever, as the case may b alleviation of sickness, low spirits, etc. Efficient as a cleaning agent. Equalizes the distribution of wealth. Is probably the most powerful (income) reducing agent known." G. M. C.: "Splendid! Marvelous! Wonderful! Altotuses, congratulate your new brothers in HOH." Altotuses: (Running forward to shake hands with the new brothers) "Brothers!"
(CURTAW)
