The Virus That Wouldn't Stay Bound
I editorially I speaking
Kappa was a polio virus-at least that is what he was supposed to he. Like other polio viruses he was the proud possessor of a positive-strand RNA genome. This meant he could usurp the ribosomal apparatus of a cell immediately upon entrance and generate progeny in less than three minutes. Kappa figured that once he had hound himself to a ribosome, he could so monopolizethe biochemistry of the cell that it would produce his proteins in preference to its own a t a rate of about one a minute. Within a few hours he could completely debilitate a cell and assure the spread of the infection. If he worked stealthilv enough. even interferon-that malignant garbler of viraitransl&&-couldn't do him too much harm. And. unless the host had previouslv been infected or had otherwise developed an immune response to him, he not only could rule the cell, hut he could spread his influence far and wide throughout his host. If power was what you wanted, Kappa knew he had it made. And what was more, he was completely enchanted by the prospects and possibilities. But Kappa had a different idea. This business of creating massive infection and thereby starting a war between yourself and the host struck him as a bit uncivilized. Even if vou won the war. which you probably would, there was that nasty period j&t afterthings end when the chemistry is really messed up and you have to he especially careful to avoid dntangleme&s. hen you have to start all over again with a new host. Not only is all of this a bit of a nuisance, but i t contains an element of risk: What if you can't escape to a new host hefore they dispose of the old one, for example? All of this led Kappa to his hit and run strategy, better described as bind, hassle and split, and known in medical circles as the Kappa-BHS syndrome. (BHS is the acronym for bind, hassle and split. Ironically perhaps it was sonamed, not because the clinical pe&plk undwstood what Kappa was doinn, hut because this accurately described the peculiar hehavior modification displayed hicertain groups of humans in which the syndrome was ohserved.) As Kappa described i< the game here was to bind to the ribosome and to control things just long enough to create the kind of disturbance that gets the cell really worked up. Then, while all kinds of interesting biochemical conflicts ensue. hut before anv real damaee is done., vou release from the binding site. After savoring the scene for a period, you can move easilv to another site in the same or in a different cell or host, there to initiate new disturbances. This program appeared to Kappa a fun thing to do. I t even appealed to his humanistic instincts. "After all," he reasoned, "by following this program you never make anyone sick. Yet you can do what viruses were made to do, with less risk from the dangers that viruses constantlv run. and with prospects for a longer, less encumbered and-mo& excitine life than anv but the most fortunate of viruses might expect." ~ h e r ~ wone a s drawback in all this however. As long as he followed this program, Kappa could never
have progeny. For a time this was a little hard for him to take. Watchine other members of his family surrounded bv. laree numhers of their progeny, grandprogeny, great grandprogeny, etc., and listening to their stories of the escapades of some of their favorites among these, made him more than a little envious. But his adventures kept him so husy and his experiences were so rewarding that he appeared never to have succumbed to the temptation t o remain a t a ribosomal site long enough to engage i n the conceptual act. Time passed and one day he realized that although he was still-going strong, he had outlived the compani&s of his youth by several thousand generations. This made him rather nleaied with himself andheiehtened his tendencv to toy with his hosts. Unfortunately, this toying with his hosts was not without some nontrivial effects on the well-being of the hosts. In a great many of his brief hut intense disturbances of the hiochemistry of cells, Kappa succeeded-unbeknownst to himself-in tem~orarilvarresting the hioloeical clocks and playing havoc with the-life-rhyth;ns of his hosts. These interferences with their life-rhythms provoked the hosts into all varieties of erratic and uncharacteristic hehavior including restiveness, disorientation, absentmindedness,. fornetfuhess, reversing the order of words or of steps in common daily routines. In extreme cases, they affected the host's growing and learning processes and, when they were superimposed on other biological stresses present in hosts, they could accelerate aeine. One curious manifestation of Kappa-BHS occurs in middle age human males who sometimes forget who their mates are. Another is seen in (mostly) young women who experience periods when they hecome confused over whether to conquer by a show of veilless charm or by a display of raw power. Still a third appears indigenous to the American campus where an almost Infinite variety of aberrant behavior attributable to malfunctioninn biological clocks is ohserved. Then there is that most perokous manifestation of all-the sudden and irresistihle urge to fake it a little, no one will ever know. Of course, none of this was as serious as the damage Kappa might have wrought had he elected to remain steadfastly hound to the first ribosome he encountered. Kappa's moments with us finally ran out, and his remains eventually were transported to the grand metabolic pool beyond. There is reason t o believe, however, that somewhere along the line he must have met a host (or hostess) so seductive that he tarried long enough to sire at least a few generations of progeny, and that some of these must have entered into liaisons that transcribed Kappa's program into genetic code. I t is this code that remains with us and that apparently is responsible for producing the Kappa-BHS syndrome-a malady that afflicts us all on occasion. It is never fatal, hut it causes just enough mischief to give credence to the old proverb: He who would deviate from what we are, can at best only add to the confusion. WTL
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Volume 52, Number 8, August 1975 / 485
