ROBERT L D E A N , Medical Editor Smith, Kline and French Laboratories, Philadelphia, Pa.
The Sin ©f Synonyms S C E N E : T h e office of Bernard Willder, president of Solecisms Unlimited. Willder is seated at his desk as James McClarity, junior chemist, enters: W I L L . (without looking tip from the paper on his desk) Come in, McClarity. Sit down. (There is a long pause during which Willder continues to read while McClarity fingers his tie, adjusts his lab coat, etc.) W I L L . How long have you been with us, McClarity? McC. Six months, sir. W I L L . (Picking up dossier) Let's see, your first three months were spent in cliche sales; the next three, in t h e high polymer adjective lab. McC. That's right, sir. W I L L . According to this report from your supervisor, your first three months were not very productive. Hmni . . . not a single cliche sale! McC. No, sir. W I L L . Weil, what seems to be t h e trouble? McC. I don't know, Mr. Willder; I — W I L L . And after three months in the nouns as adjectives laboratory, you haven't synthesized a single high molecular weight modifier. M c C . I haven't done too well, sir. W I L L . Well, perhaps you are not yet oriented to our way of doing things; perhaps you haven't yet caught the spirit of confusion and awkwardness that w e offer to writers of scientific prose. McClarity, we're opening a n e w division—a niche that you may fit. H o w would you like to be a technical consultant? M c C . I didn't do too well in sales. I—! W I L L . This wouldn't be sales—not like cliches. No, indeed. You see, one of our men has uncovered some interesting compounds. We'll never b e able to sell them in laTge quantities—each one is tailor made—but they make excellent prestige items. M c C . . Will many writers be able to use them? W I L L . You mean will they have wide applicability? Oh, yes. Matter of fact—well, let me give you an example. Let's say that one of our old customers calls you in to supply the blank word in this sentence: " T h e solution was first passed through a cation exchange column, V O L U M E
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Compound to confound—that's the g o a l of Solecisms Unlimited. In the third of a series of articles entitled " V / a t c h Your Language!" M r . W i l l d e r briefs a rookie on the black a r t of word sorcery
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then through an anion exchange blank." W h a t word would you order to fill in t h e blank? W h y , column, I guess. (impatiently) No, no, n o t column —that wouldn't confuse anybody. You would suggest unit or t a n k never column. I would? Of course. I'm beginning t o suspect that you aren't fully cognizant of the market possibilities here, McClarity. You see, many writers of science have forgotten every rule of writing—except the one which tells them that they must strive for variety, must never use the same word twice in one sentence, in one paragraph, in 20 lines, or some other arbitrary unit. They chew their pencils and pace the floor trying to find a synonym. But Mr. Willder, I h a d always thought that variety couldn't b e bought that cheaply, t h a t Please, McClarity, I like you; I want you to get ahead. L e t me show you a few synonyms that we have sold recently. H e r e ' s one with an elegant touch: "They withdrew enough medicine for both nostrils, then used half in each nares." Like that? W e l l , how about: " H C l was used i n t h e first experiment; H2SCX was utilized in the second; a n d H N 0 3 was employed in t h e third?" But aren't you varying t h e constant there, sir? I can see that you must vary the variable, b u t varying the constant confuses the meaning.
W I L L . N O W you're catching on, my boy.
Confusion, that's our business. Say, here's a good o n e : " T h e mixtures studied were t h e glucose-glycine and t h e glucose acetate systems." Or, h o w about: "Two patients were given 2 grams a day; three were given 3 grams daily?" McC. I'm beginning t o get it, sir. But wouldn't it b e less confusing if the word were repeated? O r maybe we could achieve variety b y rewriting t h e sentence? W I L L , (ignoring him) "Flushed areas
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w e r e warmer than other cutaneous regions." Ill b u y that! But doesnt that make t h e reader wonder if there is a difference bet w e e n areas a n d regions? Precisely our goal, my boy. Here's a doxible one: " T h e yield w a s good in approximately 1 0 % of all of the experiments and was poor in a b o u t 2 % of t h e entire g r o u p . " T h a t is confusing, sir. I'm glad you like it. Now maybe you can try your hand at filling in anotlier blank. Let's suppose that your prospective customer is describing the importance of an alkaline reagent i n : " T h e basic difference here is the u s e of a blank solution." What word would you o r d e r for him? W h y , alkaline, I suppose. You supposed wrong, sir! But I thought that you wanted variety? Listen, McClarity, w e w a n t confusion. Variety is only a means to that end. Now in t h e sentence you just failed t o fill in correcdy, b a s i c should be used twice. It has two meanings in t h a t sentence; t h a t ' s w h a t makes it confusing. (crestfallen) I think I see, sir. W e l t , I hope s o . Where did you work before you joined o u r team? I w a s with Lucid Literature, sir. H m r n m m ! I thought s o . Well, see w h a t you can d o to improve your laboratory work. In t h e meantime, I'll b e watching you. ( McClarity leaves as Willder picks up a sheet of paper from his desk) (reading to himself) " T h e resin exchanges potassium ions for basic electrolytes." Say, w e might get some repeat orders o n t h a t onel " O n e patient showed a hyperthermia of 105° F.; another, an elevation of 103° F . " N o t b a d . (Rising, going toward door) Say, that reminds m e , I must start the lab working on showed—exhibited —elicited—demonstrated. I think we c a n g o right into t h e semiworks with that combination! CUBTAJN
